


self doubt

by fr0gg1ef4g



Series: Haikyuu shitty vent fics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bad Parenting, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28715241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fr0gg1ef4g/pseuds/fr0gg1ef4g
Summary: Yamaguchi was small and fragile, that was obvious to anyone who saw him, but it wasn't enough, he still thought he was too large to be loved by the one he loved.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu shitty vent fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105844
Kudos: 55





	self doubt

**Author's Note:**

> !MAJOR TW FOR SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDERS!  
> this is a vent fic that I'm impulsively writing lol sorry if it sucks

945 calories, 945 calories Yamaguchi repeated to himself, 945.  
That was 145 over what he planned that day, shit shit shit he was probably going to gain because of that, anxiously and quietly he walked over to the scale, he sighed and closed his eyes while the electronic numbers bounced around, slowly opening them to see the number on the scale, 132.9lbs. That broke his heart, all his work went down the drain, he gained 3 pounds, the three pounds he just spent a week getting off, they were right back on. He shuddered in disgust with himself as he stepped off the scale and walked from the bathroom to his bedroom, flopping onto his bed and bursting into tears, he felt so worthless and like such a failure, why couldn't he just do better, why couldn't he just be better, be more lovable. After a few minutes he sat up and looked to the mirror facing him at the foot of his bed, he sighed as he saw himself, he stood up and lifted up his shirt, making sure he didn't look as humongous as he felt, he could see bits and pieces of fat hanging off his lower stomach, he grabbed at it, half to make sure it was real, half to try and rip it off of his body. Why couldn't he be skinnier, the feeling and thought of gaining weight was definitely one of the worst feelings he could think of, he needed to be rid of these feelings, he needed to feel some other form of stimulation to try and distract him from the gross feeling in his stomach.  
Sure there were good other options of what Yamaguchi could do to get this feeling away from him but now of them sounded as good as the most destructive one. With many thoughts telling him to stop, he walked over to his nightstand, listening to the fewer but louder thoughts telling him he should. He opened the drawer, rummaging around it before being greeted with a familiar object, he picked up the case filled with razor blades, opening it up and deciding to grab a new, unused blade, wanting it to be the sharpest possible so it would do the most damage.  
He looked at his arm, sitting down on his bed and bringing his arm closer to him and resting his elbow on his crossed legs. With one quick motion he raked the blade over the thin skin on his arm, he let out a sigh, the cut stinging but letting a wave of euphoria wash over him as his endorphins kicked in, it was almost an intoxicating feeling, and definitely an addicting one. He watched closely as the blood started to flood out of the cut, pooling upon his skin until it finally beaded up and started running down his arm, he knew it wasn't deep enough to cause actual damage, he might hate himself but he doesn't want to die, not yet at least, it would be embarrassing to die at such a high weight. After watching it for a few more seconds he drew his other hand up and brought it back down to the already bleeding arm, making another cut just as big and deep as the one below it, jesus christ this was addicting. He did it again, and again, and again till his forearm was majority covered in blood. He was about to start cleaning himself up so he didn't get blood on absolutely everything, so his parents didn't see what a failure he had become, even though they already knew and thought that about him and frankly wouldn't care if they saw him like this, when he heard a knock on his front door, shit shit shit he forgot Tsukishima was coming over today to help him with the classes he was failing, he quickly grabbed his bandages, and as quick as he could he started wrapping them around his arm to hold his fresh wounds together so he wouldn't get blood on the hoodie he would have to put on as to not worry his friend. He was fumbling with the bandages, unable to grab them properly and not putting them on tight enough, and then too tight and then repeated, he was shaking as he heard his mother open the door. He had to hurry but he couldn't under this pressure. "Tadashi your friend is here" he heard his mother call out as he heard his friend start walking up the stairs and towards his room. He was so fucked, what the hell was he supposed to do. He monitored each step Kei took towards his room, the seconds going by so slowly as he tries to figure out what on earth he was going to do, he manages to get his hoodie half on, making sure to put the still bleeding arm into the sleeve first, when Kei walks through the door. "Hey," Kei said nonchalantly as he welcomed himself into the room, it's not like it was nothing he hadn't seen before. Tadashi finally gets his other arm through the sleeve and pulls the rest of the hoodie down with it. "Hii" he greeted the boy with a very obviously fake smile, letting a sigh of relief leave him after, thinking he is in the clear and that Tsuki will never find out that he's literally bleeding out right in front of him. Kei on the other hand noticed something was up, he couldn't figure out what but he could tell something was bothering the younger. He searched his mind for all the things that could be wrong with his friend without asking him cause let's be honest they were both shit with communication, but as he approached Tadashi it became more and more clear to him that something was very wrong. Kei's eyes wandered to the bed surrounding his friend, Yamaguchi noticed this, FUCK HE FORGOT TO PUT HIS STUFF AWAY. "What's all this stuff" Tsuki's voice cracked, hoping it really wasn't what he thought it was, dear lord, don't let it be what he. Yams stuttered, desperately trying to come up with even a mildly believable excuse but alas, nothing came to his defenses, he was so fucked. All he did was stutter and then look at the ground, Tsuki knew, he had to, there's no way he couldn't know. Tsuki sighed in realization of what this meant, it almost brought him to tears knowing his closest and arguably the only friend was going through so much pain and he had been so dumb not to realize it happening. "Tadashi," Tsuki said in a low tone but his voice also cracked slightly, "let me see your arms", Yamaguchi was stunned, he didn't want to but he didn't have a choice, he shook his head desperately, trying to plea with Tsuki not to make him do this but to no avail. Yams sighed and held out his arm for Kei to pull the sleeve up and see what he had done to himself. Slowly, slightly shaking himself, Kei pushed Yamaguchi's sleeve up, he let out a breath he was unaware he was holding, he looked in a mix of sadness and horror as his eyes grazed upon the fresh, deep, bloody wounds that the smaller man had inflicted upon himself. Yamaguchi was almost paralyzed in fear of what his friend might say in response, he probably hated him, though he was a freak, some suicidal freak that wasn't worth his time to take care of, to care for, he would probably leave him and make fun of him every time they saw each other. His self deprecating thoughts were derailed by Kei breaking the silence between them that lasted only a few seconds but felt like an eternity and a half to both as they struggled to form the right words to say to each other. "I'm sorry you've had to go through this, I'm sorry I wasn't there when I should have been, you shouldn't have had to go through this alone" Tsukishima broke the silence, his voice cracking and him sniffling during his pauses. The taller than pulled him into a hug, both of them allowing the tears they were holding back, to flow freely. "It's not your fault, it's on me, I should have reached out or I should have just done better myself" yams sobbed into the crook of the blond's neck. They stayed like this for a while until a loud voice boomed through the house, "I'm going out for the night behave yourselves" Tadashi's mother yelled through the house, the door shutting before they could respond, they both jumped away from each other at the startle. They both just sit there for a second looking down, yams is fiddling with his hands anxiously, millions of outcomes of what will happen next racing through his mind. "Can I ask why" Tsuki mumbled, taking his hands and placing them on Yamaguchi's, in an effort to calm him down. Yams took a big gulp of air a deep breath before he started talking, "I just-- uhm-- I don't feel like I'm worthy of any of this, worthy of you, worthy of living, I feel like such a waste of space, like I take up too much space, I weigh too much and I'm trying to change that in dumb stupid and dangerous ways just so I can be worth it, be worth being here with you, to maybe even have a chance of being worthy of being with you, I try and get control over things I should be able, the food I eat, but it doesn't work and I don't eat what I intend and it goes bad, I overeat and then I hurt myself as punishment because I gain weight, its all just too much I cant handle it anymore, I cant take anymore of this bullshit tsuki" yams stuttered out, kei took a bit to take it all in, how could he had let his best friend get so bad without him noticing. Tsuki didn't know what else to do, he did what felt natural he grabbed Yam's wrist and pulled it up to his face, kissing each one of the cuts. Yamaguchi starting blushing furiously, at the action, he only blushed harder when the blond pulled him back into a hug, a tighter, more intimate one. The blond started pressing kisses on the younger's neck as he said "you know even if it doesn't seem like it, I am always here for you, I'm bad with emotions and you know that but please never be scared to come to me when you need to, I love you". Yamaguchi nodded in agreement, those last words bouncing around his head, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, Tsuki loves me. His heart fluttered as the taller laid down on the bed, pulling the shy green-haired boy down with him, holding him close onto his chest, the smiled into each other's eyes as Tadashi squeaked out an "I love you to Tsuki" as he rubbed his head onto the boy's chest, head hitting the top of his jaw. Tsuki leaned down and pressed a long and slow kiss to the top of the boy beneath his head, holding him closer than he could have ever imagined, pulling a nearby fluffy blanket over the two. Yams lifted his head up to let his eyes meet the others, looking down at his lips, looking back up to meet his eyes, and down again, before the two, with a mutual understanding, closed the space between their lips. "You're mine now, I am going to make sure you know just how beautiful, loved, and worthy you are to me, I am never going to let you go, I will be here with you every step of the way, we can get through this," Kei said as they pulled apart, then grabbing the others hand, intertwining their fingers and then pulling the smaller, more fragile hand to his lips, giving it a quick kiss, "together, we will do this together okay?" Tsukishima said, pressing their foreheads together. Yamaguchi nodded and pressed a kiss to the cheek belonging to the man he loved. "it's going to be a long process, but for now all that matters is that I'm here with you, let's stay like this for now," the blond said, and so they did, drifting off into sleep, holding each other closer than ever imagined


End file.
